Wednesday, April 01, 2009

4/1 Roundup: Obama Freaked Out, Donuts Bid for 2012, Suggestive Winking

Leader: Obama Legitimately Freaked Out

- President Barack Obama was killing time watching YouTube yesterday, when he came across video of himself speaking about the economy, and realized "just how bad things are" for the first time. "I don't normally listen to the speeches," said Obama, biting at his cuticles, "I just read them." He added that he was "legitimately freaked out,"and apologized to the American people for having to listen to "that terrifying crap" on "every damn channel, all the damn time."

- Press Secretary Robert Gibbs brushed it off as a bit of stage fright in advance of Obama's appearance at the G-20 summit yesterday, but given the President's usual cool, nobody's buying Gibbs's hash. Flying off the reservation, Obama sought out members of the press to tell them he really, sincerely hoped things would get better, but "If you're looking for a good investment, now would be a good time to go long on duct tape and shotguns."


- In opposition to President Obama and his fellow New Democrats in Congress, a group of GOP House members are banding together in a new group they'll call the "Old Republicans." Said one leader, who remains anonymous, "We're getting back to the basics here-- this caucus is going to be about old-school, racist, unreconstructed xenophobic dogma. It's time for this party to reinvent itself, and we're taking the bull by the horns."

- A new poll gives President Obama a 66% job-approval rating. Nearly nine in ten Americans, however, approve of the way donuts are doing in their job. Should Obama worry about a 2012 primary challenge from donuts? Time will tell.


- In a bout of life-affirming, if mortifying honesty, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner conceded yesterday that he "doesn't have a bloody clue" what's wrong with the economy, or how to fix it. Later, President Obama assured the public that Geithner still has his absolute confidence.

- The big Detroit auto manufacturers, scrambling to restructure their business after Obama's recent ultimatum, have launched a new marketing campaign advertising alternative uses for their vehicles. The Hummer is being sold to banks as a means to obstruct the front doors of foreclosed homes, while the Pontiac Vibe may see new life as an in-garage aquarium.


- This morning's World Cup qualifying match between North Korea and South Korea was interrupted when the DPRK government test launched a new missile, as they have been threatening to do recently. Despite previous assurances they had no intent to do so, a U.S. carrier strike group shot down the Taepodong-2 over Seoul. The missile exploded into the shape of Kim Jong-Il's benevolently smiling face, and thousands of tiny baskets parachuted down filled with a variety of prizes and goodies, including DVDs of some of Dear Leader's favorite films. North-South reconciliation appears imminent.

New From NDN

- If you've already RSVP'd to our event today, you might be holding the hottest ticket in town. On his way to London, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva of Brazil happens to be laid over in Washington for a few hours, and will be joining Dr. Moisés Naím, Rep. Adam Smith, and Dr. Rob Shapiro for a discussion of the G-20 conference that begins tomorrow. RSVP now, before it's too late!

One More Thing

- Joking about her husband's ubiquity in the press, Michelle Obama said yesterday "Barack will do anything to get in front of a camera." She then winked suggestively, making the press corps slightly uncomfortable, and kind of confused, but mostly impressed.

- Last, here's a fun video about politics:

Cross-posted to NDN.


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14/3/10 5:15 PM  

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