Thursday, February 12, 2009

My Bicycles and Henry VIII's Wives

Yesterday morning, I rammed my bicycle into the front passenger side of a silver Mercedes Benz, which had taken a left turn in front of me (failing to yield). I had a nice soft landing on the hood of the Benz, complete with a Springsteen-style knee-slide (sans celebration).

The bicycle, however, was less fortunate, and though it succeeded in putting a little dent in the body of the Benz, both the main tubes of the steel bike wrinkled on the impact. I took it to CityBikes later, and the mechanics started getting emotional at the loss of such a fine and noble lugged steel frame bike, and then I started getting emotional, and then the mechanics began the write-up of what they called a "death certificate." *sob*

This was the fifth bike I've ridden in as many years.  Not a good record, I acknowledge.  No bike, I imagine, would want to be the next I choose.  But for any bikes considering the job, I draw your attention to the parallels between my bike ownership, and Henry VIII's experience as a husband:
Henry VIII: 
  • Catherine of Aragon: DIVORCED   (Couldn't provide a male heir)
  • Anne Boleyn: BEHEADED   (Ditto)
  • Jane Seymour: DIED    (Provided a male heir... but she was a sickly one)
  • Anne of ClevesDIVORCED   (Marriage became inconvenient)
  • Kathryn HowardBEHEADED    (Messing around all over town)
  • Katherine Parr: SURVIVED   (Four years of happy marriage before Henry ate it)
  • The Green Giant: DIVORCED (Gave it away.... it barely worked)
  • Zephyr: BEHEADED (Rode it into the ground.... then took it apart)
  • The White Waif: DIED (It was always a sickly piece of machinery)
  • Red Dragon: DIVORCED (I was moving to DC, it stayed Boston, we split up)
  • Red Deamon: BEHEADED (Executed at the hand of a cruel Mercedes)
  • ...?
I look forward to a long, happy marriage with my next bicycle.  Coming soon...

UPDATE: Thanks to brother George, who corrected my British royal history: Henry divorced Anne of Cleves not because it was "inconvenient," but rather because "she looked like the back of a bus."  


Blogger George said...

very nice, ive taught you well
p.s. anne of cleves was just because she looked like the back of a bus

12/2/09 6:59 PM  

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